you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
