this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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