I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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