the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
