hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
