My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
