I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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