True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
