Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
