If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Everclear isn't food dammit
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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