if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
