just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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