I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
