How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
