its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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