i can't believe i had my finger in that
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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