seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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