Your mouth is God's brothel.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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