I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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