We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
