i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
