halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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