Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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