I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
