I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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