is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
This is not my ceiling
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I can't put those talents on a resume
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
