Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
