She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
