I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
