oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
