I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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