im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
