Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
