I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
