hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
