Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
