So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
