Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
