I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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