I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
