woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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