Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
