i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
