I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
