the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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