Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
