ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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