my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
