can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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