There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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