God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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