u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
