I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
