If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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