My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
