Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
