Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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