And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
