My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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